My Exciting Life in ROCK (part 2): Caledonian Backpackers', Edinburgh

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Edinburgh is a FANTASTIC place - it's like the people who made London had another go and thought "RIGHT! this time we'll make sure it's nicely spaced out, also CLEAN." When I'd got checked into my HOTEL (for LO! i was still On Tour and still making use of Cheap Internet Deals) I went and found me an Open Top Bus Tour. I highly recommend making the Open Top Bus Tour your FIRST objective WHEREVER you find yourself in the world, especially if it's got a Live Guide (instead of a recording through headphones). You will not only learn a LOT a) about the city b) of rubbish jokes, but it also gives you a chance to find out where everything in the city actually IS.

Getting reacquainted with the city felt very strange for me because, as previously mentioned, I'd been there before twelve years before hand, and I was amazed at how VIVID my memories of it were. Every other corner I walked round reminded me of an ARGUMENT or an EMBARRASING DEBACLE... which probably says all that needs to be said about my previous experiences.

This was especially so when I got to the venue itself and realised that I'd been there during the Fringe to see a VERY rum play about The Beatles - it was basically imagining what might have happened if they'd got back together again. It was GRATE for a Beatles Fanatic like me to IMAGINE it, and they actually played (severely dodgy versions of) several Beatles songs during the show, but it was hardly NOTEWORTHY. Which is why it was EXTRA weird when I went upstairs to the actual venue to find a massive Beatles MURAL all over the wall. Surely this was a Coincidence Too Far?

Me and the Hectors did our soundchecks and then left the stage for The Other Band who'd been booked to play. As soon as they'd walked in we'd all SUSSED them - leather jackets over the top of denim jackets, sun-glasses, posh flight cases, HATS. They were a LOCAL BAND and, like ALL Local Bands they soundchecked for about an HOUR, their Edinburgh Accents becoming MYSTERIOUSLY CALIFORNIAN as they did so.

Pretty much as soon as they'd finished it was time for me to go on, and it was all VERY emotional. I started off with a song called "The Back Of The Sofa", as requested by the Hectors and a song which I hardly ever play live because it's very PERSONAL to me. Also because I can never remember how it goes. I got a bit carried away with it all and made a LENGTHY speech about how we should all remember this night as a beautiful thing, that BEING here as friends was more important than any idea of "MAKING IT" - INDEED i got so emotional about it all that I ended up writing a song about it, "Mental Judo", the first two verses of which pretty much EXACTLY describe the gig. The recorded version of the song even starts with a SAMPLE of The Hector Collectors although - ROCK FACTZ! - that actually came from the Glasgow gig the night before.

Apart from The Hectors Massive nobody else was very interested. As the venue name suggests it was mostly a hostel for Australian backpackers who gradually inched their way along the bar the longer i played until they ended up bunch around a table RIGHT at the very end. The rest of the audience was made up of The Local Band and their girlfriends, who LOVED my set. I don't know why (well, apart from my own inherent INCREDIBLE SEXINESS, of course) but the girlfriends of Local Bands nearly ALWAYS seem to really like my songs. Maybe it's just because they've not been to many gigs and are excited to see ANYTHING, but they always seem to get into it, which ALWAYS results in The Local Band boyfriends having a MASSIVE HUFF. That's exactly what happened this time and the boyfriends got SO annoyed (helped along by me getting the ladies to all join in on the chorus) that they got up and LEFT, forcing everyone else to go with them.

It was all so much fun that I ended up writing ANOTHER song about it, "Let The Weird Band Win", the first half of which ALSO exactly describes events. Why, if you poured yourself a low quality lager and played one song in either ear it would probably be almost like BEING there!

After me The Hector Collectors went on and played a POINTEDLY LONG set to me, their two friends, and THEMSELVES. It was BRILLIANT - they'd been a bit deflated that this was going to be their final gig, but I pointed out it was CORRECT that they should go out in this way, annoying rubbish bands and delighting their friends, playing whatever songs they wanted and not caring what anybody else thought. It was a BEAUTIFUL night and they finished off by having their picture taken stood in a row with their back to the audience, recreating the Beatles' photograph they had taken at their final gig at Candlestick Park. It was a FANTASTIC final statement for a FANTASTIC band.

It was all over too soon, both the gig AND the tour it was part of. There were MANY hugs as they set off to get the last bus back to Glasgow and I strode out into the Edinburgh night full of JOY that I get to be a part of such wonderful evenings. I celebrated in the traditional fashion passed down through the annals of ROCK since time immemorial: a beer from the mini-bar and a nasty piece. ROCK AND ROLL!

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