My Exciting Life in ROCK (part 2): 5/3/2004 - Starka Bar, Motherwell

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This was the first date of my Grand Tour Of Scotland. It was organised FOR me by the band The Hector Collectors who were doing their Farewell Tour and wondered if maybe I'd like to join them. I said "YES PLEASE!"

The trip North was hit by the kinds of disasters which, I am sure, beset ALL touring artistes. First of all I left my BOOK behind at work and secondly there was a delay on the train caused by vandalism. ROCK AND ROLL! Without recourse to personal staff and gophers I was FORCED to nip into WHSMiths MYSELF to solve the first problem, which came in very handy when we had an hour long delay caused by the second.

I still got to Motherwell in good time and had a stroll through the city to the venue. All I knew of Motherwell were vague ideas that it was like Glasgow but slightly ROUGHER and... well, that's pretty much what it was like. Everyone was very friendly in that Glasgow way of saying "I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND! OR I WILL FITE YOU!" When I got to the venue itself a Mad Loonie bloke came up and INSISTED on talking to me, despite (or probably BECAUSE of) being INCREDIBLY drunk. He first of all pretended to be a RUSSIAN, before calming down and saying it was all right because he wasn't going to FITE me.

And then he introduced himself. He was the promoter of the gig!

I popped round the corner for some TEA and came back to find The Hector Collectors had arrived. I'd talked to a couple of them on the email in the weeks beforehand but never actually MET any of them, and suddenly realised that I was going to be spending the next several days in their company. If they were HORRID this was going to be difficult... but luckily they were LOVELY and we fell to CHAT and LARFS. I relaxed - this was going to be GOOD.

We went upstairs and I hit the stage with my steadily forming UBERSET... only to be rather THROWN by it FAILING me for the first time. At this time, when introducing "Easily Impressed", I'd offer the audience a CHOICE - they could either join in with the audience participation and make the evening DELIGHTFUL, or not join in at ALL and make me look like a pillock. On every other occasion audiences went for the FORMER option but this time, to my surprise, they chose the LATTER. I never offered the choice again after that!

"Oh well", I thought, "I'll do 'Boom Shake The Room' next, THAT'LL get 'em!" It really DIDN'T. I was confused and surprised - 'Boom Shake The Room' almost ALWAYS turns the gig around, but this time everyone looked DEEPLY unimpressed. It was only later on the tour that I discovered that someone ELSE had done a precise cover version of MY version of the song in the same venue to the same audience THREE DAYS before! Everyone thought I was just nicking his idea!

Apart from that it all went pretty well and any down points where UPPED by The Hectors, who came on and were MAGNIFICENTLY ramshackle and GOOD TIMES. The whole audience was very MUCH up for them... except for the aforementioned promoter, who by now had falled into a deep deep sleep, standing at the bar with his head resting on the counter.

Once it was all over I found out that I was going to be staying with Adam's friend Katie - it turned out like a (very mild) CARRY ON film, as I went to a YOUNG LADY'S HOUSE after the gig to find her ENTIRE FAMILY was up and about and wanting to chat, including a very excited DOG and her Dad who was A VICAR! I am pretty sure this used to happen to ROBIN ASKWITH all the time - that's what it's like, ON THE ROAD!

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