My Exciting Life in ROCK (part 2): 21/12/2003 - The Windmill, London

< previous

next>

There are many different sorts of gigs you can do - acoustic gigs, festival gigs, guerrilla gigs (if you are a wanker who thinks doing a gig which ISN'T advertised in the corporate news magazines makes you CHE GUEVARA), "intimate" gigs - but the best of ALL types of gig is CHRISTMAS GIGS.

Christmas Gigs are BRILLIANT, for TWO reasons. Firstly, everyone is SO relieved NOT to be doing their Christmas Shopping that they're in a FANTASTIC mood, also drunk, and secondly it is the LAW that all bands playing HAVE to do a Christmas Cover Version. Again, there are MANY types of cover versions - faithful covers, complete re-interpretations, ska-punk versions of slow songs (played by people who think it is THE MOST AMAZING IDEA EVER which nobody else has EVER thought of) - but Christmas Covers are the BEST because pretty much ALL Christmas Songs are a) GRATE and b) known by every member of the audience, thus bringing about a CHRISTMAS SINGALONG.

Thus INDISPUTABLE FACT: Christmas Gigs are the BEST, and all the acts performing on this particular evening got very much into the swing of it, especially the band Ormonroyd who did a SPECTACULAR, also very SLOW version of "Stop The Cavalry", which made me SWELL with Christmas-NESS. I did a couple of my usual REPERTOIRE of Christmas Covers ("Sleigh bells", "White Christmas", THE CLASSICS) and spent a LOT of time showing off about the fact that, unlike so many people, I had recently COMPLETED my Christmas Shopping. Some would question whether this was the sort of thing people want to know when attending a ROCKSHOW, I would suggest that, at a CHRISTMAS ROCKSHOW, it very much is.

My performance was slightly distracted by an INTERNAL DEBATE, brought about by someone standing at the front, talking. The DEBATE about whether or not it is OK to talk at gigs has raged as long as their have BEEN gigs, and doubtless always will. When They Who Hit Stones first performed at the Campfire Hippodrome I'm sure She Who Never Shuts Up was SHUSHED dramatically by the rest of the tribe, and come the post apocalyptic performances of Alan Adventure And The Astronauts on Moon Base Theta I do not DOUBT that a delegation from Alpha Centauri will loudly state that, having paid 3,000 Galactic Groats to BE there then they can jolly well Telepathically Communicate as much as they LIKE.

I tend to side with the Alpha Centaurans on this one - if you've paid to get into the pub you can do what they like, and if the act on stage isn't interesting enough to shut you up, well, that's their fault. I know this argument FAILS on a regular basis when people don't WANT to listen, but then that's why the performer is usually ARMED with a MASSIVE PA SYSTEM. What DOES puzzle me, however, is when people decide that they want to have a conversation RIGHT at the front of the stage, as happened on this particular occasion. Stood INCHES from me and, therefore, INCHES from the MASSIVE PA SPEAKERS was a young woman who was DETERMINED to have a conversation with the two gentlemen stood either side of her who, it seemed, would rather not. She was practically SCREAMING at them, and I wondered why IF it was that important THEN she didn't drag them to the back of the room ELSE she didn't just wait until the END. In the gaps between songs I GLEANED that she was merely telling them she couldn't decide what to drink, ALSO, from GLARES, that she was EXTREMELY annoyed with me for being so impertinently louder than her VITALLY IMPORTANT DECISION.

After me was the ever marvellous Chris T-T, who took jovial exception to me doing my song "Bands From London (are shit)". "Not all bands from London are shit Mark!" he said. "Yes, but then Eminem isn't actually GAY, is he?" I wittily replied... two hours later, on the tube home. CURSES!

< previous

next>