My Exciting Life in ROCK (part 2): 1/8/03 - Upstairs At The Garage

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I was on the escalator for the tube, heading off to this gig, when I realised someone on the up escalator was waving to me, shouting "MARK!"

It was the broadcaster and journalist Steve Lamacq, who'd I seen not a couple of hours ago when recording a live session for his radio show. I waved back happily, NOTING as I did how VERY much different this was to many of our previous meetings, many of which would involve me being drunk in pubs shouting "STEVE LAMACQ!" as he left. It's funny actually, I met him several times before he had me on his show, but he never mentioned it - I was that drunk guy in the pub, the one who gave him a demo tape. How could he NOT remember me?

I arrived Upstairs At The Garage to find Rachel Silver Rocket, the promoter, sporting a STRANGE t-shirt - across her chest was one of those animated LED lights which could show messages. This was all very clever and brilliant, but it did mean that EVERY time you spoke to her your eyes would inexorably drift down to look at her CHEST to read it. This felt RUDE, also IMPOLITE.

The first band on were a Local Band - they weren't local to the venue or anything, I think they may have been from Stoke in fact, but they were definitely a Local Band and so had done the thing ALL Local Bands do when playing in London for the first time: they'd brought a coachload down with them. They ALWAYS do this - Local Bands think that when you play in London you will INSTANTLY get signed by Mr Big (of Big Records), but only if you can IMPRESS him with your ability to draw a crowd. That's what Mr Big likes - CROWDS - and if he sees one he will IMMEDIATELY assume the band concerned attract people from all over. He will NEVER notice that they are ALL on first name terms with the drummer's girlfriend and that they all leave at exactly the same time, to spend fifteen minutes sat in the mini-bus waiting for the singer to finish talking to someone who he THINKS might be from a fanzine.

For the Local Band Audience, meanwhile, a coachload is a GRATE excuse to spend a day in That London BUYING stuff and then to go out in the evening and get all drunked up whilst watching a ROCK show. THUS they always are, and certainly were this time, VERY excited, also PROTECTIVE of the band they've come to see. They cheer like mad, dance to all the songs, and are generally KEEN.

This is all very lovely, and sometimes the JOIE DE ROCK can carry on to the other bands... but not always. Sometimes, as in this case, the audience has been so well coached in the need to make the Local Band - and ONLY the Local Band - look good that they go out of their way to be MEAN to anybody else on the bill.

This they did with me - it wasn't too bad to start with, there was just LOUD TALKING throughout my set (featuring the sort of idiots who are ANNOYED that they have to shout to be heard but aren't BRIGHT enough to realise that maybe the situation could be alleviated if they weren't STANDING NEXT TO THE PA SPEAKERS RIGHT AT THE FRONT OF THE STAGE) and the occasional crappy heckle, but after a while the Mates Of The Band got a bit RAUCOUS and decided to turn EVERY between song BIT into extended CONVERSATION. After all the day's excitement I wasn't really in the mood for it and, I'm afraid, chose instead to just keep on playing songs and hope it'd be over soon. FAIL!

After me, however, there was a band who were NOT going to take this sort of nonsense. It was Lapsus Lingae, who on the face of it were one of these Post-Rock sort of bands. I say "on the face of it" because Post-Rock bands are often dreary stuck-up wankers who think that by playing the same thing for ten minutes they are BRINGING THE WALLS OF CONVENTION CRASHING DOWN when, in actual fact, they are merely drawing the kitchen blinds of boredom. Lapsus Lingae, LIKE post-rock bands, played pieces of music that weren't conventional songs, but that's about as far as the similarities went, because they were AMAZING. You really DID feel that you were watching something BRAND NEW, and also slightly TERRIFYING.

They were really nice chaps too, although you'd not have known it from seeing them onstage. One of the Local Band Mates began to make "remarks" and they GLOWERED at him with such FEROCITY he was STARED and STUNNED into SILENCE, at which point they ROARED into the TERRIFYING ASSAULT of their first "song". Local Band Mates rallied after that and tried again, only to be met with SPAT replies of such CRUSHING DISDAIN even I, stood at the back and watching on, felt ashamed of myself for being part of the same SPECIES as the idiot who'd even tried.

It was MAGNIFICENT, and because Upstairs At The Garage only had ONE room and the Local Band Mates thought they had to STAY there for when Mr Big turned up, the whole LOT of them had to stand and watch the entire eviscerating set. FANTASTIC! For me it had been a bit of a failure, but for the True Spirit Of ROCK: A MIGHTY VICTORY.

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