My Exciting Life In ROCK (part 1): 17/2/01 - The Boardwalk / 28/2/01 - Sheffield University

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TWO gigs in close proximity in Sheffield, during which the TRADITION (or "curse") of me playing ALL all-dayers became entrenched.

The first of the two was an appearance at the final Pop-A-Go-Go festival, a semi-regular All-Dayer run by Penny From Velodrome 2000, which I'd had a GRATE time at the year before. When I say "GRATE" I mean, of course, "DRUNKEN".

This time I'd managed to persuade her to let me bring The Validators with me, and I spent a long time explaining to Tim that this was a new thing called REVERSO HEADLINING. They let the most important band go on FIRST, right? That way they can drink more beer if they want to.

He struggled to believe me, which was a shame as it's an excuse that could have come in handy MANY MANY times over the years to come. Later on in the afternoon, when we'd finished our gig and people had actually turned up we had a Massive Turning Point In ROCK. I was stood at the bar, gradually slipping into The Big Silly Grin Of Daytime Drinking when Tim approached, nervously. He wanted to Speak With Me about something - suddenly I was a) SOBER b) TERRIFIED. What could it be? Did he require advice in... MARITAL ISSUES? Had the reverso headlining been the LAST STRAW that had decided him to pack the Validators in? Had David Gedge (who was non-reverso headlining, and who we'd all taken turns following into the toilet, not to LOOK, just to STAND NEAR) offered him a JOB?

It was none of these things - he'd been deputised by Emma to ask if she could join the band. PHEW. This was extremely brilliant in TWO ways 1) it'd bring a whole new dimension to the band (i.e. singing in tune) but mostly 2) I'd been meaning to ask her MYSELF for weeks, and this way I could ponce around like I was doing them a FAVOUR. At least, until Emma did her first gig.

That wasn't to be for a while though, and I returned to Sheffield a couple of weeks later as a SOLO act. This was another all-dayer organised by Penny, this time at Sheffield Uni where she'd recently started work as Ents Manager. Although I was playing on my own I wasn't THERE on my own, as I'd asked if Francis could come and play support with his band. He would not, in the long run, thank me for it.

The trouble was that the gig was in the student canteen. Here the young people gathered to eat, chat, and occasionally drink, but NOT to pay any attention AT ALL to Relatively Quiet Music. Frankie PLOUGHED through his set to almost complete indifference from the student body. The only reaction he got at ALL was when some people came and sat down RIGHT in front of him and had to raise their voices to talk over the PA. They succeeded.

I guess this sort of thing is OK if you're one of them jazz/folk types who sits in the corner of COFFEE SHOPS and twiddles away, but for the likes of US it is a bit difficult to take. Frankie bore it well, but for his pal and co-guitarist Gary it was TOO MUCH. Gary had toured Medium Sized Venues with his own band and was used to a bit more ROCK, so decided to try and interact with CHAT. When this failed he tried SWEARING and when even THAT had no effect he tried telling them to shut the bloody heck up.

Unfortunately the level of CHAT was so high that nobody could hear them, so they left the stage DISGRUNTLED. I was obviously WORRIED about how my bit would go, but also slightly UNIMPRESSED by this behaviour. I understood why Gary was so annoyed and SYMPATHISED but did not think this was the way to go about it. I have seen MANY bands go IGNORED, and the ONLY way to deal with it is through DIGNITY and, gradually, doing something to FORCE people to listen to you.

So it was that I took to the stage full of PIETY and CLEAN THOUGHTS and got precisely AS completely ignored as they had BUT without even the option of making myself feel better by swearing at them. Still, I had my secret weapon ready - a cover version of "Stan" by Eminem.

Sheffield University Students Union had recently been in the news because they had BANNED all Eminem records from their Union, to mark their disapproval of his perceived Sexism. This is the sort of thing Student Unions have ALWAYS done - I'm sure that when They Who Bang Stones brought out their third single, "ME CLUB HER ON HEAD", the Ents Committee at UG POLYTECHNIC agreed on a strongly worded letter of DISAPPROVAL for it's, frankly, primitive sexism, and when Andrew Adventure And The Space Groovers bring out their BRANE HOLOGRAM "4D Sex Nookie [in space]" I would BET that The University Of Mars FORBIDS downloads from it's futuro-canteen.

THUS I was ready to TEAR UP THE JOINT as soon as I started playing it. The KIDS would hear, and those who agreed with their representatives would STORM the STAGE to STOP this vile misogyny, only to be stopped by the ENRAGED and ENFRANCHISED majority who saw it as the work of a tortured genius, and DEMANDED freedom of speech. I felt a bit bad about causing RIOTS and, possibly, ARSON when Penny had only just started her job there, but hey - the struggle for beautiful democracy is never easy.

I played the song. A nearby security guard turned and looked at me, raised an eyebrow as he tried to work out what I was singing, then dozed off again. I left the stage to noisy silence.

We sat around afterwards enjoying Student Beer Prices, relieved that it was all over and that we could not be made to feel any smaller than we already did. Just as we were feeling better about ourselves a young German Student came over and politely asked if he and his friend could borrow our guitars. We agreed, and they went on stage and did a set of Guns N Roses covers, got huge rounds of applause, and left the stage as heroes.

And yet, despite that, it was ME, not young Klaus, who got booked at the next all-dayer. Is this justice? Or is it maybe sympathy?

Or is it... A CURSE?!?

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