My Exciting Life In ROCK (part 1): 23/12/00 - Cybershack Webcafe, London

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Twas the night before (the night before) Christmas and all was FRENETIC, as across the country people dashed around doing Christmas type STUFF. A lucky few were sat in pubs saying "Yes, I like to get it all done by OCTOBER" while everyone else was EITHER running around Marks & Spencer's looking for a Last Resort tin of biscuits for an elderly relative OR trying to drown out the discomfort of an Office Do with BOOZE. I, on the other hand, was heading for London, to play at a Trendy Media DO!

The invite had come about because of "Hey Hey 16K", our internet single - some would say THE FIRST EVER INTERNET SINGLE (i.e. me, and anyone who enjoys being CORRECT) - which had had a brief brush with fame amongst the 100 or so ubergeeks who roamed the great empty landscape of the interweb at the turn of the century. Most of this fame had come from a mention in another Interweb innovator, Need To Know. This was one of the first regular email newsletters which collected geeky news and Humorous Links long before the likes of Popbitch or B3ta started doing it - OK, in those days you could have got the whole of the net onto a couple of CDs so there wasn't THAT much competition for getting in, but it was still rather exciting, and I got MORE THAN ONE bit of email fan mail as a result of it. It would also, in time, lead to several Exciting Events.

And this, I thought, would be one of them - a media party in London's fashionable Soho! It would DOUBTLESS be packed FULL of celebrities from the worlds of computing, TV and Music which the newsletter covered. I was playing early evening but had pointedly NOT made any arrangements to get back for last orders as I was CONVINCED I'd end up going on to Trendy Night Spots to talk DEALS - either that or for RENDEZVOUS with sultry temptresses, drawn to my urbane Midland manners.

Surprisingly, it wasn't QUITE like that. When I arrived I had to stand outside the venue for a few minutes to check that I'd got the right address, as the lack of limousines, bouncers or roped off VIP entrances had got me a bit confused. It turned out NOT to be a trendy night spot or bar, nor even at a Secluded Bistro, but instead at an Internet Cafe. In these enlightened times, of course, Internet Cafes can be delightful, full centrally heated places, but back then they always had the air of a comic shop about them - slightly damp and with a faint odour of socks and desperation.

When I got in I was met by the gregarious and ever delightful Mr Dave Green, journalist and interweb pioneer, who had invited me down. He guided me over to the bar where I enjoyed the traditional Visitor To London sport of saying "HOW much? For A SINGLE BEER?!?" and started to relax again. It was only when I was sat plonked on one of the big comfy sofas that I realised something. Apart from the couple of people sat on the next sofa reading comics, nearly everybody else was on a computer.

Just to recap, this was the night before Christmas Eve, a Saturday night, not just in London's Glittering West End but ALSO in London's Sordid Seedy Soho Area Of London, at a PARTY. And most of the people there were sat staring silently at computers.

And most of them were playing Solitaire.

It did strike me that just MAYBE they weren't QUITE living life to the ABSOLUTE full. Still, there was fun yet to be had, as we'd been promised an exciting Novelty DJ act to start with - Slimboy Fat! AHA! Tribute BANDS had been with us for several years by this point and we were just entering into that murky, stupid, and mercifully short ERA when DJs were somehow thought of as ACTS in their own right (now of course we recognise them as just people who play records, but the Millennium was fresh and we were still a bit confused) so the idea of the TRIBUTE DJ was one tantalising in it's scope and possibility for HILARITY. What would he do? What ZANY rails of WACK would he lead us down? We gathered expectantly, as he took to the DECKS.

"Hello!" he said "I'm SlimBoy Fat!"

We laughed appreciatively - Slimboy Fat! He's swapped the words around! He grinned back at us, and pressed PLAY on his CD player. A mix CD started playing, then he put his coat on and went home.

For some reason Tribute DJs didn't really catch on... but still, he'd laid down the challenge. A man with a semi-humorous name pressing PLAY on a portable CD player - FOLLOW THAT, Hibbett!

Follow it I did, and it was again a bit strange as everybody was so very chronically SHY. There was a slight ripple of noise when I did Hey Hey 16K... before everybody realised they could be heard, so quietened down again, and everybody seemed to smile when I did "The Peterborough All Saints Wide Game Team (group B)" (a song about, basically, GEEKS winning) but otherwise I played to Nodding Silence. I know some people LIKE that sort of attention - idiots and bigheads, mostly - but it always makes me feel nervous, like someone's going to put their hand up at the end and say "Yes, but is 16K REALLY a better format for gaming? Mmm? Is it?"

Nobody DID say that, and indeed people were very friendly afterwards, especially considering the general air of NERVOUSNESS about Open Human Discourse. I didn't get a record contact, or even meet any GURLS, but I did meet a real-live Internet Millionaire (I knew he was rich - he got a round in) and got a Humorous Geeky T-Shirt which STILL makes people smile, once they've read the whole thing, to this day. But I very much DID make it back to Leicester for last orders, and when I got there I didn't quite know how to describe the oddity that had been that evening. As regular readings will have noticed, I had already done quite a lot of slightly RUM gigs, but had never experienced anything quite as odd as THAT before.

Over the next few years, however, I would experience it a LOT more...

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