My Exciting Life In ROCK (part 1): 29/11/00 - The Charlotte, Leicester

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Much like George Lucas did with Star Wars I began these TALES OF ROCK several episodes into the story and, like him, I hope one day, when we have finally completed all THESE stories, to be able to go right back to the start and tell of what came BEFORE.

UNLIKE George Lucas however I do not intend to take any long held expectations of EXCITEMENT, THRILLS, VOLCANO FITES and HUMOUR and instead BANG ON for HOURS and HOURS of about INTERGALACTIC TRADE POLICY. That said, I AM quite tempted to insert a SHIT ANIMATED GOOSE into my first few gigs in order to make them appeal to small children.

Shall we stop that metaphor now? What I mean to say is that although I started these stories with events in 1997 there was LOADS of stuff that happened before then, with much of it involving the band VOON. Even typing that word causes a SEISMIC TREMOR of PSYCHIC FEAR to reverberate around the Muso Pubs of Leicester, for LO! we were a SCURGE on Proper Musicianship, Musical Ability and Serious Professionalism. We had MUCHO fun and gained many LIFE SKILLS, but I think maybe the most Important Lesson we learnt was this: STOP when it is time to STOP.

It was a HARD lesson to take in, and it took us MANY attempts to get it right. Like ALL Young People In Bands we tended to take it all a bit more seriously than necessary, which led to us EITHER splitting up when we didn't need to (we often LIVED together too, hence sudden dramatic line-up changes could come about because of STOLEN BAKED BEANS) OR staying together when really there was no point.

After YEARS of regularly falling out with each other we realised that there was A Better Way and our FINAL line-up agreed on a specific FINAL GIG. We thus spent six FANTASTIC months thoroughly enjoying ourselves, because the FACT that we knew we'd be packing it all in soon meant that we NEVER did a gig because it could "advance" our "career", NOR did we get (all that) ANGERED with each other if we had to pull out of a gig, because there was no possible chance it COULD be the one where Mr Big From Big Records would sign us up to a contract. It was LOVELY!

Perhaps the loveliEST part of this deal was that it left the door if not ajar then at least UNLOCKED for us to get back together and do it again in the future, and LO! this is what happened on this particular date, which was the birthday party of Sorted Records Supremo and former landlord of The Durham Ox, Mr Dave Dixey. The vast majority of our final batch of gigs had been in his pub, where we were all regulars - once you've decided to only do gigs that are FUN and NO HASSLE, it turns out that the pub you are ALREADY IN is the best place to do them. Despite his SATURATION in Voon gigs Dave seemed to wanted another one, and we were happy to oblige.

We were happy, but also AFEARED - since packing in the band me, Neil and Simon had got on as well, if not MUCH BETTER than we had during our days in ROCK together when, so we were a little worried that TENSION, also massively camp HISSY FITS, would return. Also, would we be able to actually PLAY the songs again, or would it be LIKE the time George Lucas RETURNED to the Original Star Wars trilogy - a pointless retread removing much that was GOOD and replacing it with RUBBISH DINOSAURS?

Actually, I wouldn't have minded so much if dinosaurs had been an OPTION, but you know what I mean. So it was that we gathered nervously in Stayfree Rehearsal Studios, set up our gear, and pressed START on the drum machine. Glancing fretfully at each other, we waited for the CLACK CLACK CLACK of the intro, and began to play...

IT WAS FANTASTIC! It was EXACTLY as AMAZING as it had always been in our heads and in our post-pub conversations around the kitchen table, and (approximately) LOADS better than it had EVER been at actual gigs. When we got to the end of the song we all JUMPED UPON AND DOWN and went "WAHEY!" and HUGGED each other for about ten minutes, we could not BELIEVE it had sounded so good. Nor, I think, would anybody else have, but honestly it WAS dead good, and all the other songs continued to be so for the rest of the practice. When we'd finished we went to the pub and, as was TRADITION, sat around loudly talking about how AMAZINGLY GRATE we were - this time, however, it felt like it was TRUE!

Come the day of the gig, old worries started to resurface. The Validators by this time had GELLED into a Precision Fighting Force of ORGANISATION, and could get a full BACKLINE out of a car, up several flights of stairs and completely set up with one hand tied behind our hands, BLINDFOLD, with an Evil Drill Sergeant stood behind us barking "FASTER! You are the WORST recruits I have ever SEEN at The Police Academy! Er... for BANDS!" but VOON was a bit out of practice and, anyway, had always been a bit less willing to be told what to do. The Validators are hardly a DICTATORSHIP, but we do at least have a VAGUE Command Structure for gig organisation, whereas Voon were what teenagers would call an ANARCHY and Physicists a CHAOTIC SYSTEM.

Still we finally eventually got set up, drunk, and on stage, where I noticed a BIG change since Voon had been a going concern: AN AUDIENCE. When Voon first began we'd been like any other Student Band (for such we were) in that all our friends came to see us play. Where we DIFFERED was that when they STOPPED coming (usually around the third or fourth gig) we failed to take the hint and carried on... for several years. Occasionally we'd have a BUMP when we made NEW friends, but the very nature of our "ahead of its time" performances meant that audiences never lasted long - INDEED, I would like to think that it is this DETERMINATION TO ROCK that is the reason that, even to this day, my Audience Levels in my adopted home town are lower than average. Nearly everybody who COULD have seen me play there HAS, many years ago, when I was even more... ahead of my time.

Anyway, off we went, playing to an audience of people largely consisting of those who I'd met since Voon stopped playing all together. Many of them knew me from my SOLO stuff which, while containing HUMOUR and a RADICAL DISDAIN for Conventional Standards Of Musicality was like JOY DIVISION compared to Voon. As songs went by full of LEAPING around, GURNING, incredibly fast bass lines (next day my wrist ached like an adolescent left home alone for a WEEK), Massive NOINGY NOINGY guitar solos, and references to giant ducks, double decker buses on the MOON, faces in meat slicers and GURLS, those gathered for the spectacle became more and more confused. THIS was the mighty behemoth of ROCK I'd been going on about for so long? But... it looks like a Student Band! A student band that NEVER STOPPED!

We had a whole heap of fun, and even the small ROW about taking gear home felt more like a TRADITION than PROBLEM. The only downside of the evening was how we felt about it afterwards. I'd had a LOVELY time, playing old songs with some of my best pals, but the others seemed to have enjoyed it less so, possibly because the reaction from the audience (quietly AGHAST) was so very much LESS than our own reaction at that first practice. Maybe I had become HARDENED in the intervening years to audiences not thinking I am as GRATE as I do myself, but they seemed to take it a bit more personally than I did.

Still, Dave seemed to appreciate it and we made arrangements between ourselves to reunite in the distant future, in 2010. It seemed like an impossible dream of a science fiction utopia, but somehow it seems to have got quite near now. I'd better start exercising my wrist!

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