My Exciting Life in ROCK (part 2): 5/12/2004 - The Criterion, Leicester

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It is an immutable law of ROCK that, no matter who you are and however long it lasts, every run of GRATE gigs will always GRIND to a sudden halt with a gig that brings you WHAMMING back down to earth like a flying elephant's digested bun.

When Tom asked me if I fancied coming and playing at his Sport Society's Christmas DO I thought "THAT will be an easy gig - people will be happy, drunk, and ready to sing along. Also, we're getting paid! GRATE!" I thought it'd be just like a wedding, but I was WRONG.

The Sport that his sporting society sported AT was Ultimate Frisbee. That's it's real name - it's not chucking a frisbee around in a park while dogs leap hilariously through sprinklers, ending in diet cokes for ALL, it's a PROPER sport, recognised by sporting bodies the world over and, I believe, played professionally in some parts of the world. Mind you, the same can be said of Crazy Golf. It's basically netball with a frisbee and is, apparently, very popular amongst BRAINIACS - tho how this could be I do not know, nobody's ever asked ME to join a team.

Apart from the FACT that they'd promised to PAY us to perform, another reason for taking the booking was that it was in The Criterion, Leicester's finest real ale pub, and as Tom and I were the only Validators who could make the gig I reasoned that this would mean we might even come out in PROFIT after buying BEER. I was thus in high spirits when I arrived, surveyed the small room we were playing in, and declared that we wouldn't need a PA system. Tom could use a practice amp and I'd just BELLOW - it would be fine.

ERROR. This was a CHRISTMAS PARTY for EGGHEADS, and NOT a Wedding Reception For Indie Kids. These were people who didn't want to dance or sing along unless MINDLESSLY PISSED, and were FAR too sensible to be that way at 9pm when I was performing. These were people who wanted to TALK, and without a PA system I was powerless to stop them.

I did my best, bellowing LOUDLY, keeping the between song bits short and, as far as I could, fairly PITHY, and EYE BOGGLING the audience in the SECRET WAY that you learn to do after a while which reminds them that - HEY! - I can SEE YOU TALKING. This usually works, but on occasion I was up against a PERSISTENT chatter who would NOT stop. He was stood right in the middle of the room not only talking LOUDLY to his friend, but also involving people all around him in conversation. Every time I got most people on my side and listening he'd tap someone on the shoulder and force them to join him in a VERY LOUD DISCUSSION about something else. And, of course, the more that happened the more everyone else thought I was just background music and OK to talk over.

When Tom came on halfway through to play with me we pulled back some ground, and finishing with "Easily Impressed" and "Boom Shake The Room" got most people joining in, but to be honest it was all a bit of a SLOG. I was, however, PROUD of my behaviour - all the way through I kept thinking "STEADY HIBBETT: don't be rude to that bloke, DO NOT SWEAR. It's THEIR Christmas party, they're paying you CASH for doing it and if they want to talk it's up to them. Just keep going, and think of THE BEER THAT IS TO COME."

I was EXTREMELY glad that I took this stance as I later discovered that the Constant Talker was profoundly DEAF, and had no idea he was doing anything wrong. Any attempt at HECKLER DEFUSING by me could have gone very very badly indeed.

As it was I think everybody else in the room felt a bit guilty about talking, which meant that the whip round (which Tom and I STUDIOUSLY IGNORED while it was happening, affecting SURPRISE when we received it as the end, as is only right and proper) was fairly generous. It not only paid for our BEERS but also, just, for a celebratory pizza afterwards.

It was some compensation, but I must say I'd still prefer to plough my amateur furrow and do gigs that I enjoy, even if I lose loads of money doing it, rather than make money doing something I don't enjoy. Luckily, for my conscience, the THREAT of MONEY very rarely arises!

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