Tales From The Conference League : Moaning

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It's great fun being in a band and doing gigs. You get to go to all sorts of exciting and/or smelly places in different parts of the country, drink beer, meet new people, shout loudly at them through big PA systems about how ace/sensitive/sexy you are, drink more beer, and occasionally get told how brilliant you are. It's fantastic!

And yet, for some reason, loads of people in bands seem to feel honour bound to treat it like a massive imposition. I once knew a band who got asked to support an American group on tour in Europe. All the gigs were sorted out, crowds, money and food were guaranteed and all they had to do was turn up and play, but rather than being grateful for their good fortune they moaned about it non-stop. I met them mid-tour and found them standing around looking like Gordon Brown at a "We Love Tony" Convention. When I asked what was wrong the guitarist replied "Tomorrow night we're playing on a boat on the Seine. We've got to get up early, drive all the way to Paris, then set up our gear and do a gig - it's awful!"

Most people, given the chance to get paid for getting drunk and larking around with their mates for a week or two, would have had to be physically restrained from leaping on the tour bus there and then, so there must be some kind of reason for this behaviour.

One possible explanation is that Arsey Sods In Bands are mistaking The Effect for The Cause - they see famous bands whinging on about all the "work" they have to do, and convince themselves that this is the route to fame and fortune. For instance, many years ago when Oasis first came to prominence the Conference League Of Bands in which I dwell was suddenly awash with obnoxious sods swanning around saying "We're the greatest band in the world" and generally being a nuisance. Some people would have you believe that you have to think like that to be any good, but surely if you really do think you're the best band in the world then you'll never try to get any better and will end up recording "Standing On The Shoulder Of Giants"? More to the point, I don't think it was Liam Gallagher's oafishness that made "Definitely Maybe" such a brilliant record - it was the fact that it WAS so brilliant that allowed him to get away with it.

Or to put it another way, having a Number One Hit Single means you can turn up late wearing a trilby, sunglasses and a scarf, but dressing like Quentin Crisp with a cold and cataracts will not automatically make anybody buy your records... although if that really was the case it would at least explain the success of Orson.

What I'm trying to say is that the next time you hear someone complaining about what time they have to turn up for a soundcheck, or having to hand out flyers, or, heaven forbid, having to talk to someone who's paid to come and see them, just remind them that the reason they're doing it is because the love it, and maybe they'd be better off sharing a bit of that love around. Especially if the person you hear complaining is yourself.

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