Tales From The Conference League : Vital Lessons Of ROCK

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Last month me and The Validators went on tour, and these are the vital lessons of ROCK that we learnt on the way round.

1. GET ORGANISED

We organised the whole thing ourselves, with all the arrangements going into a BOOKLET OF ROCK. Thus we always knew what we were meant to be doing, so rather than wasting time fannying around we could concentrate on drinking BEER. It also made for some Adventurous Scheduling, with us playing Leeds, Brighton and Leicester on consecutive nights. This was nobody�s fault, and especially not mine.

2. RADIO PLAY = AUDIENCE

Every night we got at least five people turning up just because they�d heard our Lamacq Live Session the week before. Bands like Coldplay get played on Radio One hundreds of time, so it�s hardly surprising they can sell out stadiums � it�s not because they�re any good, it�s just MATHS!

3. PROPER BEER REDUCES HANGOVERS

Drinking lager is like reading Harry Potter books - both are activities for children which grown men should be ashamed of doing in public. Also Proper Beer isn't full of nasty chemicals and preservatives which give you the worst hangovers - really, it's a health drink.

4. COMPLAINING HAS CONSEQUENCES

Tim The Drummer complained for the first three days about having to set the drums up all on his own, so one night when he went to park the van we HILARIOUSLY did them for him � slightly incorrectly!!! We laughed and laughed as he struggled for over ten minutes to correct it, but he never did complain again. TOUR SHENANIGANS!

5. TAKE LOTS OF SPARE CLOTHES

We spent the hottest week of the hottest July on record carrying heavy things and jumping around in extremely hot rooms, so we got a bit moist. In Nottingham someone claimed he was sweatier than me. I wrung out my shirt and perspiration poured onto his shoes, as if from a tap. He was unable to reply, and his challenge was withdrawn.

6. IF ALL ELSE FAILS YOU CAN ALWAYS START A REMOVALS BUSINESS

Like all hardy veterans of ROCK we�ve become extremely good at loading and unloading vans at high speed � if you�ve ever had to lug three amps and a drum kit down the fire escape of The Grapes then into the car park whilst drunk and sweaty you�ll know it�s an experience best kept short.

7. COMPARED TO US, SHANE MACGOWAN IS A LIGHTWEIGHT

In Brighton we saw a middle aged Goth coming through the door. "Who does he think he is?� we asked, �Nick Cave?" and then realised it WAS Nick Cave. Then Shane MacGowan came in and ten minutes later they were both dancing to the barman's compilation tapes. They left 10 minutes into the support band� obviously they�d heard about our beer drinking, heavily perspiring, comical drum kit setting up ways and decided they just couldn�t compete.

On top of all this we discovered that you can only spend seven full days in close proximity to a bunch of other (sweaty) adults if you really like each other and what you�re doing, and luckily, as it turns out, we did. It�s a LESSON that applies to everything in ROCK, in fact: if you�re doing it for THE LOVE everything will be GRATE.

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